Thoughts, Feelings, Rants & General Musings

The Dating Game and why I'm not playing anymore

2010-06-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

Dating. It's supposed to be part of all of our lives. it's a natural thing. You meet someone and get together. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not. No big deal, You'll always meet someone else? Right? Or maybe not.

It's been no secret to anyone that's known me in whatever stage of my life you've been in that I really don't date. Why you ask? Well it's really not my choice. Well since the big awakening it sort of is. But more on that later.

First off, despite anything you might have heard or guessed or assumed or had a feeling about, no, I'm not gay. I like women. Not attracted to men. I know I'm not the most macho, masculine guy in the world but trust me, I'm into girls. Ok now that's settled. Lets get into it. :cracks knuckles:

Now why don't I date? Well it took me many years to figure it out. It isn't because it I don't want to. Fact is, I cant. Well it's possible, yes. So's walking across Texas.

Ok this is the part where I get told that it's all in my head, I'm too hard on myself, etc. But, all I can do is see my life through my own eyes. YMMV.

From my viewpoint, I have nothing to offer. If you look at all the qualities that women are seeking, I have none of them. I'm not tall, not good-looking, not exciting. I've been dirt-poor all my life, even more so the last few years. I'm short & thin. I don't want kids. I don't believe in marriage. I'm not a "badboy" or a douchebag or a thug or any of the lowlife that a lot of girls are attracted to. And yes the rumor is true about "nice guys" They may say they want one, but they are bored by them. Trust me.

I've also never been set up. Not once has anyone said "Oh man I gotta friend/sister. neighbor/co-worker that you'd be perfect for" or "Remember that girl that was out with us last week? She was asking about you You want her #?" Yeaa nothing like that. Kinda makes you wonder what your friends think about you. but that's another rant for another day. No I take that back. I was sorta kinda setup with my first GF. I didn't know that a friend of a friend had a sister. Me & my friend (and there's a BIG rant coming someday about her) went to pick up the other friend at her place and I didn't know her sister was living with her. Long story short, I asked if one of them would put in a good word for me (ha that's such an old term) and I called her & we went out. But that's the only time.

I also have interests that most women aren't into. Stuff like science, technology, gadgets, cars & sports.

So in my eyes, I don't date because I'm not in any way, shape or form found attractive by the opposite sex.

That's not to say I'm a bad person though. I'm a decent guy, helpful & a loyal friend. About as exciting as a toaster really.

Now I haven't been alone my whole life, just about 95% of it. I have somehow managed to find a few girls over the years that wanted to date me for some unknown reason. It mostly ended badly and the encounters were few & far between.

Now as you can imagine my inability to attract women has been/was a huge contributor to the low self-esteem & depression issues I've suffered from my whole adult life. I've more than once been driven to the brink of suicide over it. I just could never figure it out. You just always ask yourself, hey what's so wrong with me? Everyone else seems to find someone why can't I?

I think that part of is stems from where I lived. All my life I've lived in places that the "pretty" people lived, people with money. I was neither obviously. Places like Palm Beach, Los Angeles & now Vegas. I remember years ago when I had my black '94 Trans-Am a cousin that was down on vacation remarked that "You must get all the chicks with that car." I chuckled and said no not at all. They all wanted guys that had BMW's & Mercedes and those guys were pissed cause they weren't getting the chicks that the guys driving Ferraris & Bentleys were. So little ugly poor me & my crummy Trans-Am was out of luck.

Now it hasn't been all frustration. I have somehow managed to find a few girls that for some reason were interested in me. They have been few & far between as you can imagine. I really don't give the exact stats but let's just say it's a small number. I'm also not gonna give out the real age I lost my virginity but it was older than most. She was my first real girlfriend though so I have mostly good memories of the event.

They haven't lasted long. It seems to run out of gas at about the 4-5 month mark and it's over. More than one has simply disappeared without a trace, which as you can imagine was the source of much grief and heartache. It's such a chicken-shit move too. I can see if it's someone you've been out on 2-3 dates with but someone you're in a relationship with and just one day disappear? Weak. PS any females that might happen to read this, don't do that. Lie, make up something. At least let him have some closure. There's nothing worse that sitting around replaying every minute back wondering what was the one thing you said/did that sent her over the edge. It's really a shitty feeling.

Well now, as it goes, the rest of the story. After the last disaster a few years ago (yup another disappearing act) I really did some soul-searching and here's what I came up with.

Sometimes you have to look at things in a different light. So I stopped looking at what I thought I was doing wrong and looked at the bigger picture. Sometimes in life you try to do things. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Everyone has some unique skill set. Something they're good at. Everyone has things they just can't do. Like for example, playing bass came very natural & easy to me. Didn't have to even try honestly. It was a skill I had & didn't realize it till I tried. It was something I was "supposed" to do.

Dating & relationships, a different story. But once I changed my mindset that hey, this is something I'm just not supposed to do in this life and I need to focus on other things. Let me use one of my famous analogies. Say you see a boulder at the bottom of a hill. Something is telling you that you need to get that boulder to the top of the hill. Dunno why. Maybe you see others trying & succeeding. Maybe some inner voice tells you to, hard to say. You just know that you gotta get it up the hill. So you struggle, try different methods. Maybe one day you get it up half way. Then it rolls back down & you gotta start all over again.

Then one day you just realize, hey, I'm wasting my time & energy. Maybe the boulder's just supposed to be at the bottom of the hill & I'm trying too hard to do something that isn't supposed to be done. Once you finally come to that conclusion, you are now free and can focus on other things.

That's the point I've come to about dating after the last disaster. It's just something I'm not supposed to do in this life and I am now free to focus on other things. Don't feel bad for me though. Once I had that epiphany it was like the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. I no longer cry myself to sleep because someone I liked laughed at me when I asked her out. I don't care when I see some cute girl with some scummy loser. It's a whole new feeling of freedom. A new beginning.

Father's Day, not for everyone

2010-06-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

So Father's day has come and gone again. It wasn't as bad as I thought I was gonna be. For those that don't know the back story, I really don't get along well with my father. Let me state for the record that my father is a good guy. Always did right by his family, didn't lie, cheat, drink, run around. We had some tight years but always had a roof over our heads and food on the table.

There's an pop-culture saying that says "Everything you know is wrong." I had an epiphany a few years ago and it was like that. You grow up thinking that the way your family does things and sees the world is right. I did too. It took me till I was in my 30's that the way they see and deal with the world is backwards from how it actually is. My parents are the nicest people in the world and as such have been taken advantage at every opportunity because they don't want to "make any hassle" for people.

Example: they had the same car insurance for over 30 years and never questioned anything about the policy, they just paid the bill every month. I knew they were getting ripped off for years. When I got my first car at 19 I went to their office and got a quote and it was really high, even for a 19 year old male. I found another place that was a lot cheaper and told them they were getting ripped off. Their answer? "Oh we don't wanna bother anyone." So they continued to get ripped off for another 15 years until I got my current vehicle. My Mom also got hers the same day and I literally BEGGED them to go see my friend who got me a good deal on insurance. They did and were amazed at how much they were gonna save. :facepalm:

Anyway back to my dad. One of his shortcomings is he has a very myopic view of the world. He really lives in his own little world and doesn't see much else. It's been a big bone of contention my whole life. Back when I was in my musician days, he never wanted any part of it. Didn't understand any of it, thought it was stupid and therefore mostly ignored it. Now seeing as it was the most important thing in my life for many years you can see how this would be an issue. He never once came to see me play, never once helped me load up my very heavy bass gear, never helped me help work on my basses, even though he was well versed in all the things that make up guitars like woodworking, electrical, and metalworking.

Another thing like he hated me having long hair. Didn't/couldn't understand why. I remember once him telling me "I never see any other guys with long hair." I said there's millions of them out there, you just don't see them or go to places they are. He didn't go to nightclubs or music stores or watch MTV so in his eyes it was just me.

More of his fun qualities are the never-ending stories. Or I should say story. He's consistently told us the same stories over & over again for years & years. I really don't know if he thinks that he's pushing the point home or he doesn't realize he's doing it, but after the 10,000th time you hear about his boss that did him wrong in 1977 you just can't take it anymore.

I think a lot of the issues come from him really not having a father growing up so he didn't really know how to be one. I've always said that I have a father, I don't have a dad. Didn't have that guy that took you fishing, played ball with you, taught you about life, stuff like that.

Where it really came to a head is when I was well into my 30's and I finally started seeing the world how it really is and not the way he sees it and I did too for many years and I really started doing my own thing. I'm still struggling with it all because I have the baggage of the "old way" conflicting with me trying to be the new me. Probably always will but at least I'm pointed in the right direction.

Nowadays, however I'm pretty conflicted now that he's getting older. Due to circumstances I had to move back in with the parents a few years ago when things didn't work out in LA. It was obvious that he was slipping mentally. He was always pretty sharp but he was having trouble grasping stuff. He's always had hearing problems and that's been an issue in communicating with him but this was different.
Fast forward to a few months ago when he had his knee replaced. He really skipped a notch downward after with the trauma following the surgery and the drugs he was on in the hospital. We did get him tested and he's just in the beginning stages of dementia. Nothing to really be concerned about but it's gonna be downhill from here.

So I'm really torn. Part of me feels bad about his situation and my mom's got her hands full. But part of me is just ehh whatever about it because of all the memories of past. At this point I'm just dealing with it by not dealing with it. Mom tells me how he's doing here & there and the only real times we talk is like Father's Day, birthdays, and holidays. Which is fine with me.

Attention marketing & advertising companies - enough already!

2010-06-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

Even a cursory glance at any sort of media today one can't help being overwhelmed by the constant barrage of advertising. It's literally everywhere. Everything you read, click on, watch or purchase is clogged with ads pitching all kinds of stuff. The ones that especially piss me off are in embedded videos or while you're waiting for an audio stream to start. I mean for Christ's sake can't you just enjoy something without constantly having some product pitch force-fed to you?

I guess it's just my mindset but I don't have to be "sold" all the time. When I need or want a product, I just do a little research and go get it. Example: Recently I bought a DVD recorder because I want to archive a bunch of old VHS tapes and save shows I recorded on my DVR. I figured out what features I wanted, what was available in my price range, read a few reviews, and clicked on the "buy" button. A few days later it showed up at my door. I hooked it up, it worked exactly as I expected, and no problems at all.

I think that's one of the reasons my sales career didn't work out that well. I just don't need to have that big song & dance sales pitch when I buy stuff so it's tough for me to get into that mindset. Some days I would do good and others, not so much. Plus with my weird moods I had days I just didn't wanna deal with people and you have to in sales.

I know that companies generate revenue with advertising. Hell, the majority of income from our business comes from it. But we're not so blatant about it. I'd just like to go 15 second without being beat over the head with ads.

Timing is everything. Or lack thereof

2010-06-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

One of life's mysteries which has always eluded me is the concept that there's aspects of your life you have seemingly no control over. As much as you think you do there's things that regularly go on that no matter what you do, always happens.

Example:

I'm always 30 seconds late for my own life and therefore am constantly being annoyed by some random event. No matter what time I leave the house, I always get stuck behind someone that is driving too slow and hasn't a clue where they're going. It cascades from there. Say I was going to get some food. When I get there invariably 2 people arrive 10 seconds before I do and gum up the works.

Tonight for example. Went out to get a sandwich after work. Had a specific place in mind and they were closed. (Note to Port Of Subs - someone might want a sandwich after 8 PM. Just saying.) So had to go to plan B at Subway. Well of course the delay effect caused a guy to arrive seconds before me and you'd think it was his first time ordering a sandwich. Had 2 to order, had not a clue how he wanted them, took goddamn forever to make up his mind.

This delay then cascaded down to driving home. It never fails that when I want to make a turn, it's timed down to the split second that I gotta wait for a pedestrian to cross the street. No exceptions tonight of course!

Ya it's trivial and it comes off as being a whiny bitch. I can see if it happened once in a while. But shit like this happens daily. Like clockwork. It's uncanny. Makes you wonder.

Ok that's all for now.

Introduction

2010-06-08T01:02:00.000-07:00

So I thought I'd start a blog. Just to post about my thoughts and viewpoints on life as I see it. All postings and verbiage posted here are my own thoughts and feelings and you might not agree. That's perfectly fine. I am quite opinionated and have a unique perspective on things. It might be informative, introspective, offensive or even unintentionally hilarious but hopefully never boring.