Dating. It's supposed to be part of all of our lives. it's a natural thing. You meet someone and get together. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not. No big deal, You'll always meet someone else? Right? Or maybe not.
It's been no secret to anyone that's known me in whatever stage of my life you've been in that I really don't date. Why you ask? Well it's really not my choice. Well since the big awakening it sort of is. But more on that later.
First off, despite anything you might have heard or guessed or assumed or had a feeling about, no, I'm not gay. I like women. Not attracted to men. I know I'm not the most macho, masculine guy in the world but trust me, I'm into girls. Ok now that's settled. Lets get into it. :cracks knuckles:
Now why don't I date? Well it took me many years to figure it out. It isn't because it I don't want to. Fact is, I cant. Well it's possible, yes. So's walking across Texas.
Ok this is the part where I get told that it's all in my head, I'm too hard on myself, etc. But, all I can do is see my life through my own eyes. YMMV.
From my viewpoint, I have nothing to offer. If you look at all the qualities that women are seeking, I have none of them. I'm not tall, not good-looking, not exciting. I've been dirt-poor all my life, even more so the last few years. I'm short & thin. I don't want kids. I don't believe in marriage. I'm not a "badboy" or a douchebag or a thug or any of the lowlife that a lot of girls are attracted to. And yes the rumor is true about "nice guys" They may say they want one, but they are bored by them. Trust me.
I've also never been set up. Not once has anyone said "Oh man I gotta friend/sister. neighbor/co-worker that you'd be perfect for" or "Remember that girl that was out with us last week? She was asking about you You want her #?" Yeaa nothing like that. Kinda makes you wonder what your friends think about you. but that's another rant for another day. No I take that back. I was sorta kinda setup with my first GF. I didn't know that a friend of a friend had a sister. Me & my friend (and there's a BIG rant coming someday about her) went to pick up the other friend at her place and I didn't know her sister was living with her. Long story short, I asked if one of them would put in a good word for me (ha that's such an old term) and I called her & we went out. But that's the only time.
I also have interests that most women aren't into. Stuff like science, technology, gadgets, cars & sports.
So in my eyes, I don't date because I'm not in any way, shape or form found attractive by the opposite sex.
That's not to say I'm a bad person though. I'm a decent guy, helpful & a loyal friend. About as exciting as a toaster really.
Now I haven't been alone my whole life, just about 95% of it. I have somehow managed to find a few girls over the years that wanted to date me for some unknown reason. It mostly ended badly and the encounters were few & far between.
Now as you can imagine my inability to attract women has been/was a huge contributor to the low self-esteem & depression issues I've suffered from my whole adult life. I've more than once been driven to the brink of suicide over it. I just could never figure it out. You just always ask yourself, hey what's so wrong with me? Everyone else seems to find someone why can't I?
I think that part of is stems from where I lived. All my life I've lived in places that the "pretty" people lived, people with money. I was neither obviously. Places like Palm Beach, Los Angeles & now Vegas. I remember years ago when I had my black '94 Trans-Am a cousin that was down on vacation remarked that "You must get all the chicks with that car." I chuckled and said no not at all. They all wanted guys that had BMW's & Mercedes and those guys were pissed cause they weren't getting the chicks that the guys driving Ferraris & Bentleys were. So little ugly poor me & my crummy Trans-Am was out of luck.
Now it hasn't been all frustration. I have somehow managed to find a few girls that for some reason were interested in me. They have been few & far between as you can imagine. I really don't give the exact stats but let's just say it's a small number. I'm also not gonna give out the real age I lost my virginity but it was older than most. She was my first real girlfriend though so I have mostly good memories of the event.
They haven't lasted long. It seems to run out of gas at about the 4-5 month mark and it's over. More than one has simply disappeared without a trace, which as you can imagine was the source of much grief and heartache. It's such a chicken-shit move too. I can see if it's someone you've been out on 2-3 dates with but someone you're in a relationship with and just one day disappear? Weak. PS any females that might happen to read this, don't do that. Lie, make up something. At least let him have some closure. There's nothing worse that sitting around replaying every minute back wondering what was the one thing you said/did that sent her over the edge. It's really a shitty feeling.
Well now, as it goes, the rest of the story. After the last disaster a few years ago (yup another disappearing act) I really did some soul-searching and here's what I came up with.
Sometimes you have to look at things in a different light. So I stopped looking at what I thought I was doing wrong and looked at the bigger picture. Sometimes in life you try to do things. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Everyone has some unique skill set. Something they're good at. Everyone has things they just can't do. Like for example, playing bass came very natural & easy to me. Didn't have to even try honestly. It was a skill I had & didn't realize it till I tried. It was something I was "supposed" to do.
Dating & relationships, a different story. But once I changed my mindset that hey, this is something I'm just not supposed to do in this life and I need to focus on other things. Let me use one of my famous analogies. Say you see a boulder at the bottom of a hill. Something is telling you that you need to get that boulder to the top of the hill. Dunno why. Maybe you see others trying & succeeding. Maybe some inner voice tells you to, hard to say. You just know that you gotta get it up the hill. So you struggle, try different methods. Maybe one day you get it up half way. Then it rolls back down & you gotta start all over again.
Then one day you just realize, hey, I'm wasting my time & energy. Maybe the boulder's just supposed to be at the bottom of the hill & I'm trying too hard to do something that isn't supposed to be done. Once you finally come to that conclusion, you are now free and can focus on other things.
That's the point I've come to about dating after the last disaster. It's just something I'm not supposed to do in this life and I am now free to focus on other things. Don't feel bad for me though. Once I had that epiphany it was like the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. I no longer cry myself to sleep because someone I liked laughed at me when I asked her out. I don't care when I see some cute girl with some scummy loser. It's a whole new feeling of freedom. A new beginning.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment